If, for whatever reason, you're disappointed at getting one gender over
another, it can cast a shadow over your future interaction with your
baby. The simple fact is that whatever your baby's gender, he or she is a
precious human being born of love and care. While you may feel initial
disappointment, it is important to overcome a wish for a different
gender, because it can end up hindering your devotion to the child and
may also impact your child's outlook on life if you continue raising the
issue later in the child's life. Gender disappointment is a real issue
but not one that should hold back your love for your child; seek to
overcome it through love and support.
Part 1 of 4: Considering what drives your desire
1.Understand what may be behind your desire to have a different gender.
This can vary considerably depending on the experiences you've had,
your cultural background and your inner beliefs. Some of the reasons
behind why people sometimes want one gender over another include:
- In your culture, one gender is valued more than another or one gender has a harder time in life than another.
- You already have three children of that gender––now here's yet another of the same gender!
- The child is the same gender as you. You had an awful life to this
point, now you're filled with fear that the child will experience the
same hardships as you, all because of its gender.
- This gender will prove more financially costly than the other gender; this might be due to schooling, activities, weddings, etc.
- The other gender would have carried on your name, your business,
your passions, etc. whereas you don't think this gender will or can.
- You bought everything in "that" color and now it turns out you need
the "other" color... This usually relates to setting up a fantasy in
your mind about raising a child of a certain gender. All of your hopes,
dreams and wants get bundled up in this child being of a certain gender,
only to get dashed when it turns out to be the opposite.
- This gender has greater risk of inheriting a disease or condition than the other gender.
- Family expectations of a particular gender weigh on you.
- Other reasons. There are many other reasons personal to each person who holds such feelings.
Consider writing out your reasons to find what is really behind your wish for a different gender.
Part 2 of 4: Coping with your gender disappointment
1. Realize that you are not alone but that the topic is generally taboo.
Many people experience gender disappointment for one reason or another.
What matters at this point is acknowledging your disappointment so that
you can begin to let go of it. If you don't find a healthy way to
reconcile with your disappointment, it can continue to fester as the
child grows and become an issue for the child.
- Allow for a short period of grieving for your dream or preference.
However, try not to wallow in this; instead, seek to let go and return
to the present as quickly as possible. Remind yourself that it is
preferable to live in the moment, not in a hope or a dream.
- Consider discussing your disappointment with your partner. He or she
may be able to help you work through the reasons for your
disappointment and allay your fears that this baby isn't going to find
life easy or that you won't be able to cope with the baby.
- Don't be afraid to show your disappointment if the first time you
find out the baby's gender is at birth. Midwives, doctors and nurses are
used to seeing all sorts of responses, and disappointment is one of the
emotions post-birth brings. They understand and can be supportive; they
recognize too that you'll likely get over the initial disappointment
after spending time with your new baby.
- If you find that your disappointment is dragging on, it is important
to seek help. Talk to your doctor or seek counseling; there may be an
underlying issue such as maternal depression or an inability to assert
yourself in the face of family expectations, etc.
2. Spend time with your new baby.
Allow the baby to win you over. A good remedy for disappointment is to
get on with things, to keep active and to throw yourself into the care
tasks ahead of you. The baby needs you and your love for the baby will
grow as the two of you spend time together. See the complete trust in
and love for you reflected in your baby's eyes and smiles.
3. Accept that this is your baby, whatever its gender.
Your baby is the result of your struggles, your love and your hopes.
Whatever the gender of your baby, this person still comes from your
blood. This little being needs you, your love and your acceptance.
4. Consider raising your child in a way that helps him or her to overcome cultural prejudices related to gender.
If your reason for not wanting a certain gender is sourced in cultural
or social expectations, help your child be part of future change in
overcoming prejudices by educating the child and allowing him or her to
think critically about the world and his or her place in it.
Part 3 of 4: Avoiding the pitfalls of gender disappointment
1. Think hard about the consequences before making it clear to a child that you wished he or she had been of the other gender.
Growing up with a parent claiming that he or she wanted you to be a
different gender can lead to the child feeling unloved, unwanted and
"not normal". It can also cause the child to try and do things that are
considered to more culturally aligned with the other gender, just to
prove a point, rather than this really being what the child wanted to
do. Undoing this sort of thinking can take a long time to overcome as it
is a big burden to place on a child. Moreover, any parent tempted to
raise a child with this openly acknowledged is behaving in a very
limiting and rather selfish way.
- Place yourself in the shoes of someone who knows that they weren't
much loved or wanted because they weren't either a boy or a girl. It
hurts, right? Any suggestion that a child is unwanted cuts deep and
scars for life.
2. Avoid thinking that you will fail to connect with the child because of its gender.
Be wary of making simplistic assumptions that one gender gets along
with mom or dad more easily than another. Such assumptions are often
tied up in cultural or social conditioning. A child will get along with
parents who put in the effort to connect with the child, to spend time
together, to talk to each other, to learn from each other. It may be
tempting or overwhelmingly expected that you'll connect more with one
gender than the other but a parent has a role that transcends this sort
of compartmentalization; it will be what you make of it, as you are the
child's chief guide in the early years.
- Challenge yourself and your expectations. Why not do those things
you dreamed of doing with the child had he or she being the opposite
gender? You may be beautifully surprised when you push the boundaries of
self-imposed expectations.
4. Get medical help if you are concerned about the child's gender increasing the risk of inheriting a disease.
This sort of reality is a call to action, not a reason to give up. If
you manage the situation from the day the child is born, you can seek
early intervention and help your child rather than sit around in
despair.
Part 4 of 4: The beauty of either gender
1. If you are trying to reach acceptance of having a baby girl, consider the following:
- The world needs more girls.
- Daughters love their parents with all their hearts when they're loved by their parents.
- Girls can do anything their parents support them to do.
- Baby girls make great sisters.
- Daughters can care for their aging parents just as well as sons.
2. If you are trying to reach acceptance of having a baby boy, consider the following:
- The world needs more boys.
- Sons love their parents with all their hearts when they're loved by their parents.
- Boys can do anything their parents support them to do.
- Baby boys make great brothers.
- Sons can care for their aging parents just as well as daughters.
Tips
- Love your child as you love other members of your family.
- Your children are not objects; they are not "matching sets" or
"pairs" or anything else. They are human beings, living, breathing and
thinking all on their own.
Warnings
- Family expectations can be burdensome. Remember that this is your
child, not the child of your parents, your aunts and uncles, your
grandparents or anyone else in your family. They have their own reasons;
you have a responsibility of love and care directly to this child which
trumps any of their reasons.
- Raising a child in a culture of shame is one of the most limiting
and undignified things you can ever do to another human being. Do not
overstep the mark by imposing your sense of shame onto an innocent
child.
Sources and Citations
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